Dear Mr. Colins.. (post-released) ;-)

F*ck you!!  You must be a baller or something, siting there with the City of Osshwa.. your six-figure salary so high, that it has to be disclosed on a pdf open to the world wide web...

Sitting there - across the court room; chest puffed out, thinking you're hard... running your mouth, swatting down paper shuffling civilians & immigrants like they meant nothing - perhaps you do have the power... as 'God' your word might be gold... 

But you are not MY 'god' - I am GajCo - I fear you not...   I sit there in the corner, observing the others, building my mental notes - as quiet as can be; my passion building with ever attack you make on the innocent... but is it my passion, or my interior fury..

My name is called, I stand up - walk to the podium...  you know I've got the jitters, my hands trembling, shaking, fearful... not fearful of you, nor this 'mock' courtroom you perceive legal precedence over...  no - fearful of my words, of my actions, of my 'wrath'...

I sit down - stand up - hand over my 'right to represent' - I sit down; make my open statement - stand up - hand over evidence item #1 - I sit down; continue my argument - there goes... items 2, 3, 4, 5...

By this point, all quivers, all shaky hands are gone...  now it is just *power* - power from my chest, power from my voice, power from my fists flaring in the air...

The cute legal secretary staring at me... thinking:  "this 'kid' ?! "  He seems so young compared to all others on the stand today - but he fights with passion... her face in shock, as I present my case...

You try to knock me down, but you realize my words are too powerful...  In the end, you compromise... which is fine, which was my goal - you make it seem as if it were a mutual victory; but we both know who the victor of the day was...

I stand up - turn around, and walk back into the crowd filled of people who once frowned... their eyes open, like they had just scene a court room battle out of the marine core!  "Mr. President" sits in the from row, with that smile on his face - not knowing whether to clap or cheer...  He says:  "you should be a trial lawyer" - at the end of the night, he asks to hug me - solely based on my words - my passion - my fight!!

The crowd is grateful, they all congratulate me for speaking what they could not express...  This is one of MANY battles, but this battle was won...

Law is NOT my passion, nor is politics, or sport...  spectator events are not my game - I am a driver, not a follower; I cannot sit there & let other dictate MY future - that grates across every grain in my sole.. 

I leave the court room on a high of passion - but law is not my thing...  stepping to 'the Man' is!!

They say:  "hell has no fury, such as a woman's wrath"... clearly, they haven't met me yet ;-)

A Drunken Text...

[ Drunken Text Details censored ] ...

I don't usually censor, but we are now in the "corporate world" - and corporate functionality cannot be duely exposed without consequence...  Personal feats - they have no relevance on the WWW..

I guess I am curious what the text means?!  An invitation to catch-up with a friend?  A heads up / tip off that there might be structural changes in my line of work?!   Or perhaps, simply nothing at all but a random text, which I have mistaken to be drunken?!

Work has been going well... it's golden...  I have really begun to *shine*... And it has nothing to do with intelligence (although I'm sure there has to be some relative attribution to such)...  but it has EVERYTHING to do with Perseverence!!  I've driven...  all that effort that I used to use for "other" projects, that effort I would drain for other people - focused directly on me, myself & my career... it has paid off & will hopefully continue to be fruitful...

The only flaw in my life - is my inability to form a meaningful relationship...  It has constantly plagued my blog - complaints of women, being single, trials-tests-and-tribulations....  At this point, I am so disappointed with all, or so many of my past relationships - it's more than just a disappointment in the women I have dated... it has become a fear, that there is nothing better out there in the world...

I don't want to become some "crazy" - but successful - "cat lady"....  but everytime I think women / relationships; I cringe, a fear enters my blood stream, straight to my gut - a so-called "queezy" feeling...  Why did I engage in so many reckless relationships in my past...?  Its sad dude...  after all the dumb, drama-filled, slutty women I have dated - I have lost faith in women as a whole... 

The Chuck Bass of the real world...  but that's all drama - so I ignore everything (as I do now - post end)... not worth my time to think about the past... can only focus on the future:  and that future involves the only thing I can control... my career!!  Peace OuT!

Internal Struggle

A friend wrote me an email - a long email - when I tried to touch base with them to catch up...  The were pulled back & must have had a lot to vent - their last line wrote:  "I hope I didn’t bore you too much droning on like this!! I’ve just been in my room all day working on orders... haha jk. And don’t feel obligated to respond to every single thing I wrote, I know it’s a lot!!" 

But I couldn't help it - I wrote twice as long, cause everything I could relate to...  Attached below for my reference...

hahaha - wow!!! But you know what - I want too!! There so many things you wrote about that I want to touch on!! haha.

Well, first - let me tell you a little story about myself :-) I did my undergrad in Engineering... after 2nd year - I wasn't really cutting it that well... so when I was supposed to go to 3rd year, I dropped out & took a year to do "research" - which was basically my way of taking a time out... It sucked, cause all my friends were moving on - graduating before me, getting great jobs, starting & finishing their masters... I felt like a complete reject - and that they all had everything & I was way, way, far behind!!

I graduated... then decided I wanted to making think about a career in finance or business... I got a great opportunity & it work well .... at least for the first little while... Then trouble hit in the all departments... The girl I was seeing... well, let's just say her words & her actions weren't so straightforward.. (I felt like Sammy from the Jersey Shore) -lol, assuming you watch the show!! :P Work started going to shit - my bosses were fuckin things up - I wasn't happy any more... and I quit my job :

It was a hard, hard time... this was over 3 years ago... and I'm not gonna lie - sometimes, when I am alone - I think back too & feel crappy about it :( - So I try not to do that... Ever since, I've been kind of scared to jump back into a relationship - but that's a whole 'nother mess!!   All the dramatic disfunctional relationships I've engaged in from highschool hence forth... to many mistakes made, not enough lessons learnt - and now, I'm too scarred from past bad relationships to be able to move forward...

Back to my career - I decided to take some prereqs for a finance program. I did great; got accepted into a program...

The whole time, my parents were on my case - what are you doing with your life? you have an engineering degree & you don't have a job? what's wrong with you? why are you being such a waste? blah, blah, blah. Why are you switching careers? Look at your student loans!!

After I graduated / as I was in school - the financial crisis hit & they blamed people in my specialization for the crisis... so jobs dried up & disappeared... I tried & I tried... without much success. And at one point, I had given up & was ready to take a one way flight to England - for a fresh start & do whatever it takes to make it!!

Before that could happen... I got an offer in Waterloo (which is where I am now)... And things are going really well so far...

I guess my point is: everyone has their own time... I was the last out of my engineering class to graduate... I was the last of my friends to figure out what I wanted to do... I'm pretty much the only one of my friends who's still single!! lol But eventually, I feel like I found my place...

Parents will bitch an complain - always!! They don't take risks like we do - they question whatever decisions we make... They never see us as stable enough... But you can't let that affect you. You grew up here - you know how society & life work... if you want something, go for it!! Even if that means a whole different career, lots of stress & heart ache from your parents... In the end you / me / we're not old enough that everything is not possible.

(FYI - my mom went back to school at the age of 50!! to get certified in canada to be a vet)... we are young & vibrant!! So DO YOU!! Whatever YOU think is best... don't let anyone else' 'worry' hold you back :-)

I know how you feel - and how much your parents actions must have hurt... When I was searching for a job last year - my mom would ask me: "did you apply to any jobs today?" "how come no one is calling you back?" She would bring me home the classified section of the news paper... It was so insulting... like, as if I didn't know how to search for jobs, as if I wasn't good enough, as if I sat around all day - purposefully wanting to do nothing... it hurt...

But once you achieve what you want - then they will be happy. You will be happy.

Ambrosia ...

This little town... this little town... everything I need... & MORE!!!


I got everything I need - I got the jam packed hiphop club, I got the edgey indie dive bar, I got ol' school-funk cafe/dance floor... even the ghetto ass reggae club just down the way.

... and did I mention they were all WALKING distance from my Crib?! Coupled with the Best Job I have EVERRR Held in my Life!! That's super rewarding, super interesting & super "financially stable"..

In 2 years, I will be able take this / my experience & significantly LAUNCH My Career!! Life is Golden!! It's like the God's have looked down upon me & said: "GajCo... here you go son... take it - it's Euphoric... it's Ambrosia... enjoy."

Bankruptcy... One Year Later...

GajCo - when you read this... remember:  Never Quit!! Allow Nothing to Stop or Hold you back..

2008 / 2009 were definitely "low points in my lilfe"...  Burnt out from a lack of happiness in my career; Burnt out by a "fake" relationships into 2007;  - seeing no room or area for improvement...  (it's interesting - I work harder now, than in consulting - but the passion & the fulfillment / the rewards are soooo much more significant) - which only reemphsizes I made the right decisions. 

I went out on a limb in 2006 - fresh out of school; yet out on the limb...  and like every compulsive gambler; the second I had an opportunity - I *DOUBLED* my risk factor by 2 fold in 2007 - and that's exactly when it all went to shit...  being pushed & strained by the economy...  my financial accounts depleted - at the peak of it all, my debt was close to $100,000 - One Hundred GRAND!!  How ambitious was it to aim to clear that in a year and three-quarters?!

Well - as luck would have it; I just secured a deal that clears nearly 30% of that debt...

I remember at the hardest points in 2009 - I had overdue bills and interest payments that I had no idea how to make... I had become a master of *utilizing* my credit...  transfering funds & money from one account, one loan, to another - making "money" out of "no money"... I played the system as best I knew how - it was from my straight scarborough roots!! Hustlin'  - splittin' ttc tickets in half; dealing counterfits, hustlin' funds hear & there... 

Yeah, it wasn't the most legitimate operations - but the street knowledge I gained from my youthhood in Scarborough, was unlike any other you could teach in a business school board room!! 

I would used my credit to open & apply for a New Line of Credit - then pay off my old credit, with my new credit.  Then withdraw from my new credit; only to put it back into the same account hence "cancelling the minimum monthly payment"... it worked.  In essence, I paid for my debt by creating / passing through and closing multiple accounts - from a single account perspective, I was legitimately following the rules:  minimum payments were met, open accounts eventually closed...  But from a global pictures, it was just a calculated game of shifting available credit from one bank / company to the next....

At one point, I was so strapped - I would have a payment due on Monday; but unable to access any funds until the following Thursday...  Things got so bad, that at some points I had to swallow my pride & email my closest contacts - my dearest friends & ask for temporary "pay day loans"....  it was not impressive...

No one ever helped...  but I still made it!!  When others need similar help - I lent out my arm - but that's not a big issue, no big deal... Everyone had / has their own priorities in life...

The point is:  I MADE IT!    I FINALLY MADE IT!!!

The double gambles I made in 2006/2007 - the ones that dragged me to the verge or personal bankrupcty in 2008/2009 - have finally paid off; and not only.... have sent me on an upward trajectory for payoff & rewards...

For the crappy careers I chased & lost faith in... I found my footing, my path - and a career that is soooo intellectually stimulating & exciting that I am 100% satisfied...

As for women - you would have thought I would have learnt my lesson in 2000; 2004; 2006; 2007; even 2009 to some point..; but that too was a disappointment & the same point where I pull all my relationships on hold / quarantine...  But I look at myself - and my selection in women have changed significantly!!  And I'm confident it is all for the better...

All in All - I feel success - not successful, as one great speaker mentioned - you can Never be FULL of Success; hence successful is a poor choice of words...  but it's true, I do feel success.

For the first time in my life, I look forward - and see, that I am completely stable now...  my past was full of uncertainty & worry... but no longer; life is headed onward & upward - positive thinking...

(8) I wanna be on Forbes Magazine, w/ Oprah & the Queen (8)

What a great weekend...  nah, scratch that!!  What a great few weeks!! Life has definitely taken a turn for the up&up...  blogs are often negatively swayed - negatively biased - filled with rants & rage... but not this post; not today - for life has begun to show some significant clarity..

This weekend was a celebration for me - I had just come off 2 straight weeks of work!!  (a 2nd Non-American Long Weekend included)...  and well - I needed a break; I needed some freedom!!  [ Not to mention an opportunity to celebrate!! That is - REALLY celebrate ] - for the last few weeks, I have only celebrated *silently* - for no one; nor my uncensored thoughts of this blog have ever exposed the TRUE details of my life, my risk strategies & my investment ideas.  For some things are indeed "private".

I had set myself on track to achieve a major goal...  to be completely debt free by the end of 2011.  December 31st, 20-11; the year my father will have to step down from his post in the health care system...  (And what a shady business the health care sector really is - known for laying off / legally firing upper management & long term staff just prior to their full pension, or allowing them to retire at their will) - Government Funded nonetheless, high salaries for union workers - but tactical politics in their Human Resources...

Regardless 31-12-2011 - the game plan was to be *COMPLETELY* "debt free"...  and having found my true stable career sector; having acquired the engineering background, my business management & consulting experience; and finally round it off with a strong technical finance program...  I'm set - set along my path to achieve my long term goals...

If you know me - you know money is not a desire for me - I could care less for name brand clothes, high end cars (the women  & the booze however, I am definitely folly to... but we each have our flaws)...

The question now is: who & how - will I select a "partner" to join me to enter the next stage of my life, in building that "empire" I have always dreamed of..

Weddings - Part 5...

Part 5, because I've only beat this "post-wedding blog/facebook post" thing to death... each after successive weddings of friends...

This week, one ex got married - another one already married... and multiple girls... scars on my heart, in my hands, lesions on my brain...

I was shocked at the one who popped into my head, through my dreams this morning... a way back, play back...

Sitting there today...  have I become the 'jerk'?!  Barney Stinson of real life?!  ...Barney had his heart broken - and evolved from that point... is this my fate as well?!  ...  I've been hurt in the past... and parts of me, can't seem to shake it - can't seem to get over it... can't seem to forget - my biggest flaw: "to forgive & forget", not a quality I've learnt yet - or been able to achieve... Instead, I live each & every wound in my heart and mind - day by day, day in & day out...

How do I let go, when all these cuts are so deep?!

Scenic Country Side

An accomplished weekend... (after a shitty week); Saturday was our families "thirevala" - at our local temple...  Amongst our family, it is a rather big event, because the sponsorship of this event has been a large sum of money over many years - almost a legacy if you will...

However, a legacy of my root & heritage, because I no longer carry the "family name"... I was fortunately blessed with my father's last name - not to mention all the morals & values that came along with it..!

My body is exhausted, and in pain... first I carried idols of the lord - amongst the "men" - on my shoulders.. my shoulders battered & bruised from all the weight... my feet limited as well from past injuries...  I guess the part that held in my mind the most was, when I was required to "break the coconut"... symbolically, usually the eldest son does such a feat - but none were available, my father an external member of the family... as the eldest grandson, I was called upon... picking up that raw coconut shell in one hand, large macheti in the other...  *Crack*, *Crack* ... and there it broke in my hands...  The feeling was invigorating!!  As if I had passed into "adulthood" - respected by my parents, my family as "one of them now"..

I came home & fell alseep from all the physical exhaustion from one full day 7am till 3/4pm..  my trappes still in pain, as are the arch & heels of my feet...  but it is once a year, a few times in a life - where I sacrafice to the lord... and it couldn't have come at any better time!! In a *funk*; I had nearly lost all my faith...  but being back home - in "my" temple... my enthusiasm restored!!  My faith, reclaimed!

I was invited to several events last night - so socialize, drink & party...  I chose none of them - evolving personally as myself... rather, I retreated, relaxed - at made adjustments to my early morning presentation...

Today, I realized my role as a "leader" ...  I have, so to speak, "paid my dues", collected my respect - and now it is time for me to step back & claim the benefits of all the work I have put forth...  A self-promotion of sorts! 

As I left "the city" this afternoon...  I didn't take the usual route... instead, I surpassed the urban city... banking North towards Stouffville, then East to King City, North yet again on route through Orangeville, and East to Arthur... the senery was beautiful... green fields, varied colours, distant and local cylos - silver, with colourfully painted metallic tops... yellow fields of wheat & hay, contrasting the crisp blueish green crops.... the colours were so vivid... the bright red sports car, that pulled up through that T-junction...  the music blarring, the windows down... serenity... peaceful...

The visual images, engrained in my mind...  the worlds nature - exactly, why I escaped from Toronto!

Self-Focused... that's what it's ALL About...

I needed a blog *re-vamp*...  it was only until recently that I've discovered the importance of my writing & my reflection...

The last week, few weeks - no the last week... I have been in a bit of a *funk*... falling into my old bad ways...  Perhaps, it all started that one night I celebrated convocation...  Drunk, I picked up some guys own girlfriend...  He was chatting it up with some other dudes, she was irritated with him - so I pulled her to the bar & we had a drink or two... my hands definitely wandering & before she left, she grabbed my phone & punched in her digits...

It put me into a funk... because not only did she break the moral line - but so did I.... and so has all the female influences in my life...  I am not one who has had many positive relationships... many of them failed, failed primarily on lies & deception... over time, these scars fade away - then resurface over & over again... triggered by similar instances... triggered by familiar faces..

My *lil sis* tells me that my perception of women has become warpped... that I've lost faith in real women & real relationships... - this is true.

I have lost faith in a lot more than just women... I have lost my faith in my friends, my community & nearly all members I have worked with in the past...  - none of them are no longer important to me..

I have made MANY successes in my life, as I look back upon it.  Yet, no real sense of accomplishment..

I re-read an *old, OLD* post, I wrote to myself - to an ex-girlfriend... I never gave it to her, because well... I saw no point, since it was all over, crumbled & burnt in flames...  it was titled "Not My Fault"...

And I think this is what pulled, or gave me the leverage to PULL me out of this *funk*... I have had MANY successes not because I followed others, but because I DROVE THE PATH!!  And I should not allow the actions of the masses, the dumb, the ignorant, the skanky - to dictate my preceptions, ambitions & faith of the world...  To be *Great* - I must dictate my faith, with myself - my inner core... for THIS is what will bring me great success!!

So - I have to *re* focus on myself... my fitness, my career, my professional entertainment (golf, gym, bbq, etc).

Following my Soul, will Bring me to Happiness...  Losing Faith from the Actions of Others, will only Bring me Harm.

The Post-Dated Introduction

My first weekend at "home" - home alone... it feels good!  Today, is the first day I have too myself - no pending transactions, no pending tasks... just self - just peace :-)

Originally, I thought this blog should have taken on a new name...  but the GajCo-UK seems to embody it all - my train of thought, my aspirations, my desires!!

I remember Feburary 24th like it was yesterday... crystal clear.  wow, nearly two months ago - but it feels & seems like eons ago!!  In February, I was interviewing with two companies... One in Waterloo - the Other in GERMANY...  In Feburary, I was disrespected - after all the hardwork I put into other projects, community & social; and I seriously wanted to give several, to many people the *finger* !!!

In Feburary, I was ready to book a one way flight to London, England.... everything reserved, just required commitment.  My flight $410 off Bing Travel - departed on March 4th at 9:46 am from Person Airport...

THIS CLOSE!!  This close!!

It would have been an outstanding adventure - leaving with nothing but my knowledge, desire - and polished resume..

But I got the "call" ...  Waterloo wanted me - they had a potential offer lying on the table - to be formalized upon completing their final round of interviews...  The opportunity seemed golden - and it was one that I could not turn down!! Life would have been completely different if they had passed me by - neither good, nor bad - but different none the less...

Having accepted the job & working - I have learnt sooooo much!!  And yet, and over-whelmed by how much I have yet to learn... I am a newbie - far from it in this field of finance, but the opportunity to deliver & shine - is like no other...

England would have been gold - with a well diverse financial market, cute girls with accents & a home away from all the drama & bullshit people I have come to know in Toronto [ no offense ].  In my last few weeks in Toronto, I realized that my priorities, values & goals in life match those of no other...  It is why I have always had to fend for my own - there was rarely any people who stood by my side & saw the same vision as I had painted for myself!!

I have worked sooooo hard all my life - and now, it was time to reclaim!!