Weddings - Part 5...

Part 5, because I've only beat this "post-wedding blog/facebook post" thing to death... each after successive weddings of friends...

This week, one ex got married - another one already married... and multiple girls... scars on my heart, in my hands, lesions on my brain...

I was shocked at the one who popped into my head, through my dreams this morning... a way back, play back...

Sitting there today...  have I become the 'jerk'?!  Barney Stinson of real life?!  ...Barney had his heart broken - and evolved from that point... is this my fate as well?!  ...  I've been hurt in the past... and parts of me, can't seem to shake it - can't seem to get over it... can't seem to forget - my biggest flaw: "to forgive & forget", not a quality I've learnt yet - or been able to achieve... Instead, I live each & every wound in my heart and mind - day by day, day in & day out...

How do I let go, when all these cuts are so deep?!

Scenic Country Side

An accomplished weekend... (after a shitty week); Saturday was our families "thirevala" - at our local temple...  Amongst our family, it is a rather big event, because the sponsorship of this event has been a large sum of money over many years - almost a legacy if you will...

However, a legacy of my root & heritage, because I no longer carry the "family name"... I was fortunately blessed with my father's last name - not to mention all the morals & values that came along with it..!

My body is exhausted, and in pain... first I carried idols of the lord - amongst the "men" - on my shoulders.. my shoulders battered & bruised from all the weight... my feet limited as well from past injuries...  I guess the part that held in my mind the most was, when I was required to "break the coconut"... symbolically, usually the eldest son does such a feat - but none were available, my father an external member of the family... as the eldest grandson, I was called upon... picking up that raw coconut shell in one hand, large macheti in the other...  *Crack*, *Crack* ... and there it broke in my hands...  The feeling was invigorating!!  As if I had passed into "adulthood" - respected by my parents, my family as "one of them now"..

I came home & fell alseep from all the physical exhaustion from one full day 7am till 3/4pm..  my trappes still in pain, as are the arch & heels of my feet...  but it is once a year, a few times in a life - where I sacrafice to the lord... and it couldn't have come at any better time!! In a *funk*; I had nearly lost all my faith...  but being back home - in "my" temple... my enthusiasm restored!!  My faith, reclaimed!

I was invited to several events last night - so socialize, drink & party...  I chose none of them - evolving personally as myself... rather, I retreated, relaxed - at made adjustments to my early morning presentation...

Today, I realized my role as a "leader" ...  I have, so to speak, "paid my dues", collected my respect - and now it is time for me to step back & claim the benefits of all the work I have put forth...  A self-promotion of sorts! 

As I left "the city" this afternoon...  I didn't take the usual route... instead, I surpassed the urban city... banking North towards Stouffville, then East to King City, North yet again on route through Orangeville, and East to Arthur... the senery was beautiful... green fields, varied colours, distant and local cylos - silver, with colourfully painted metallic tops... yellow fields of wheat & hay, contrasting the crisp blueish green crops.... the colours were so vivid... the bright red sports car, that pulled up through that T-junction...  the music blarring, the windows down... serenity... peaceful...

The visual images, engrained in my mind...  the worlds nature - exactly, why I escaped from Toronto!

Self-Focused... that's what it's ALL About...

I needed a blog *re-vamp*...  it was only until recently that I've discovered the importance of my writing & my reflection...

The last week, few weeks - no the last week... I have been in a bit of a *funk*... falling into my old bad ways...  Perhaps, it all started that one night I celebrated convocation...  Drunk, I picked up some guys own girlfriend...  He was chatting it up with some other dudes, she was irritated with him - so I pulled her to the bar & we had a drink or two... my hands definitely wandering & before she left, she grabbed my phone & punched in her digits...

It put me into a funk... because not only did she break the moral line - but so did I.... and so has all the female influences in my life...  I am not one who has had many positive relationships... many of them failed, failed primarily on lies & deception... over time, these scars fade away - then resurface over & over again... triggered by similar instances... triggered by familiar faces..

My *lil sis* tells me that my perception of women has become warpped... that I've lost faith in real women & real relationships... - this is true.

I have lost faith in a lot more than just women... I have lost my faith in my friends, my community & nearly all members I have worked with in the past...  - none of them are no longer important to me..

I have made MANY successes in my life, as I look back upon it.  Yet, no real sense of accomplishment..

I re-read an *old, OLD* post, I wrote to myself - to an ex-girlfriend... I never gave it to her, because well... I saw no point, since it was all over, crumbled & burnt in flames...  it was titled "Not My Fault"...

And I think this is what pulled, or gave me the leverage to PULL me out of this *funk*... I have had MANY successes not because I followed others, but because I DROVE THE PATH!!  And I should not allow the actions of the masses, the dumb, the ignorant, the skanky - to dictate my preceptions, ambitions & faith of the world...  To be *Great* - I must dictate my faith, with myself - my inner core... for THIS is what will bring me great success!!

So - I have to *re* focus on myself... my fitness, my career, my professional entertainment (golf, gym, bbq, etc).

Following my Soul, will Bring me to Happiness...  Losing Faith from the Actions of Others, will only Bring me Harm.