Don't Prevent Me...

Today, someone said.... "don't do that, don't talk about this in public"...

... how DARE you!!  how dare you tell me what to do - or what not to do...  I run my life, not caring about what others expect me to do... I do things, cause I think they are the right thing to do!!  Not cause I need credit, acknowledgement - or anything else in my life..

I already have everything I ever need in my life - money... SELF-EARNED money.  Intelligence - both of the street & from academics.  Values - not always correct, but always bestowed on me from my father to never hurt or abuse other people...  I'll admit, I've attacked corporations before - the "man", and possibly hussled from time to time - but helpless people, I have never hurt.   And.... Courage... balls to the walls, no fear of anyone - I will bring the fight to your doorstep, it just matters how much you've pushed me...

To this point, I haven't taken this issue very far... I heard it - I surprised me, not shocked me - but surprised me that it had finally hit the limelight...  I blogged about this "gang rape" & left it be...  In my eyes, my beef with that fucker was done - was over with... 

2011 - the year I vowed in my resolution to "become a 'kinder gentleman' & forgive those, I feel have wronged me in my past..."   That was my resolution - my vow for 2011; new years vows I take very seriously after reflecting on each past year on the symbolic January 3rd of every year...

Yet people keep coming to ME - talkin' about the situation.  Some say 'no one is speaking up about his past'.  I say:  'what can I really do?!  everything I know is just *childhood* hear-say' - believeable hear-say, because truly - how could such similar acts happen to so many different women, like a playbook out of a gamers strategy...  but I just walk away, cause it's not my beef anymore - it never really was my beef..

Only problem is... it's one thing for no one else to come forth & speak about it... but when the subject is brought up to me at a party, and someone has the nerve to tell me 'it's not something we should talk about in public' - .... that's where I draw the line!!  Don't you dare tell me what to do & what not to do...  I don't care who hears / hears my thoughts - if I cared, I wouldn't speak my mind, nor write my thoughts for the public to see...

How big of a deal I'm going to make of this.... I'm not sure yet. 

... but if I'm gonna blow this up on my facebook, possibly cut some ties, possibly have some PR firm target my words - it's not something I'm scared of...

I've made my money on my worth!  My worth as an employee - a driven individual, willing & eager to 'fight the system'.  Karma has been good me, and I my best to it...  You can take my reputation away, but at the end of the day - no one will deliever like me.

Plateau ____

So I guess, today I realized why I've been so erked in the last few months....  No, it wasn't feeling undervalued.  No, it wasn't feeling over-worked.  It was the realization, that I have "plateaued"...

Today, one of the senior executive sales guys asked me:  "so are you still on a learning curve at your job, or have you plateaued yet?" .... and then it hit me!  Fuck, yeah!!  I have plateaued!!  I have mastered everything I have learnt to date... and I guess it pisses me off, that 1.) there hasn't been significant acknowledgement that I have mastered my skills; 2.) I feel overworked, overvalued at the specific jobs that I do - but underpaid.  3.)  Underutilized, and in fact undervalued for "value added" services.... 

I have plateaued my knowledge in my current job...  so now, if I want more (and I ALWAYS want more... only child syndrome)... I've got to go out there & GET IT!!

So the ball is in My court now - time to go after it!!  (I can't blame my team,boss, or director for not seeing my potential, my worth)... time for me to take what's my own. 

There are two reasons that I contemplate career moves.  1.)  Not satisfied with my daily learnings.  2.)  Overworked / Utilized & underpaid.   I guess lately I have fell prey to both of these... which brings me here.

Gang Rape...

These type of stories always hit me in the gut...  Innocent until proven guilty; but a story that I'm sure has more truth to it than fib.. 

Waterloo is my bubble... I live here, I work here, I focus on my own...  Cause I don't want to be bothered by other people's bullshit... other people's problems.  Forgive me, but I've already given too much of myself to "other people"... 

Waterloo is almost my perfect escape.

But I was not surprised this morning, when I got the news that two dudes I know, or knew of, where charged with the drug-rape of a 23 y/o girl...  News stories state, she was out to met them for career advice - likely wanting to go med school;  as he (the one who was tied to my immediate social circle) and his friend were both doctors...  News stories say, they were out for drinks, she was drugged, dragged back to a hotel & gang raped by the two of them....

I remember this dude... I hated this dude... 'back in the day' this sort of story was not new for this dude...  You would hear stories of him trying to take advantage of girls, slutty ones, drunk ones, even girlfriends/sisters/cousins of his own friends...

'back in the day' I was still affliated with hustling, "gang life"...  I was never big time in my eyes, but was definitely exposed to the like...

Me & My Cousin "Broke Ties" over this dude.... One of my closests friends, was deported by his own family, because of this dude...  MY LIFE changed, because of this dude...  I hated him...

For three years, I didn't speak with my cousin - after I found out they were dating behind my back...  I told her about him... warned her, told her my disgust....  and when the truth was exposed, I had so much disgust in her for lying to me - I had no reason to speak with her anymore...

Before we were like brother & sister (or so I made up in my imaginary head)...  as an only child, sometimes you make a bigger bond in your head with someone, than is really there... It's your need or want, to connect with someone.... to feel that you have someone - there, in your corner.

I toppled this dude once in highschool... and I went out of my way to do it...  It caused tension with my crew, not ever lasting tension; but tension nonetheless..  Me & him engaged in a physical altercation... it was for my deported friend in theory; but really it was for all the disgust I had for him... for mali, for my cousin, for all the girls & stories I had heard in the past...  I was just shear anger & disgust with him...

At the end, after it all... I was told, I got what I wanted.  I got a chance to release my anger - I won that brawl... then I was told my all the respective "crews" to let it go now... the fight was one, issue was solved...

Life moved on...  I continued through highschool, I went on to University, Grad School, my career, my travels...  But now it all rushes back. 

If true (and I place a disclaimer, only because in law you are innocent until proven guilty)...  an innocent girl, affected for the rest of her life, by a dude I have no pleasure towards...

In recent years, he had gone to med school - become a doctor; I had thought he had "cleaned up his act"... I had felt sorry for him, for all the anger & anguish I had for him / towards him...  I thought he had changed..

How fitting that on Family Day, I realize & recognize how important are the Values that are past down to you..

Court Cases, Court Cases...

effff, freakin' you!!  Are you serious?!  You're sending me a subpoena, to go to court, for a flaw that has already been rectified?!  You can't be serious... 

... literally, laugh out loud... smirk in your face... from 'mock court', to legitimate legal battle?!  Guess the struggle goes on... so bring it!


Part Two...

I can't believe I'm going through this bullshit yet again?!  I just spent the morning reading related court cases, a skimming through by-law & e-law legislation...  :@  GRRRRR - this shit makes me angry... You'd think Canada was a Free country...  but "freedom" comes at a cost, federal & state taxes, by-law infractions, and a power struggle with authorities...  It's freakin' bullshit!  I can't believe they are taking me to court over the same old bullshit... I thought we had just resolved it & decided to move on... motherf*ckers!! 

It angers me to the core...  but lately my anger has built, on more than just a simple foundation...  It seems to be growing & I feel that if it's not released, I think I might just implode / explode with anger...

One Day At A Time!  GajCo... 1 Day @ a Time...

21 Suggestions for Success..

Success (a precursor for 2011)..

I’ve been thinking about this word a lot over the last few days... In fact, it’s a hard word to think about – it’s a word that has kept me awake at night several times this week...

I have had many successes in my life – successful; however, I am not... I once heard a wise entrepreneur once say, “successful” is a fruitless word... no one can ever be “full” of success, but rather one may have gained many successes, often overshadowing the many failures experienced...

I have had many failures in my life as well... academically, I feel I have failed my potential many times – I feel, I have often taken the path of “least resistance” & yet only resulted in mediocre results compared to my peers or my abilities. I have failed at many relationships as well... often lying to myself about their true meaning, assigning greater significance when there has been none; losing ties and taking for granted friendships that were once significant.

And my inability to forgive. Which is likely my greatest failure in life. Forgiveness of Self. Forgiveness of Others. ... which is why it made it to my #1 New Year’s Resolutions for 2011..

But I guess it all really hit home, when I received an email today, regarding “success”. It stated the following:

1. Marry the right person. This is one decision that will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.

• This is a decision I have yet to make, and have had significant difficult even comprehending... I have not met the “right person”, nor do I even feel compelled to do such things... Yet, having realized in Paris – that to grow old by yourself, is likely one of the greatest regrets anyone will ever have...

2. Work at something you enjoy and that’s worthy of your time and talent.

• I do work at things I enjoy, and it is proof in the pudding from the drive, dedication & determination that I bring to each such activity that I “work” on... however, if it is worthy of my time and talent – that is a whole other question that I am not sure I have the answer to..

3. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

• Check – can’t say I don’t...

4. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.

• Other than my father, I can’t speak of a better role model..

5. Be forgiving of yourself and other.

• ... as I mentioned, not one of my strongest suits – but that’s what # 11 is all about

6. Be generous

• When I can, everything I have is yours...

7. Have a grateful heart

• I believe there are some feats, that are just ingrained in our values... this would be one of them.

8. Persistence, persistence, persistence

• Persistently...  Never give-up, not even when you’re done!!

9. Discipline yourself to save money on even the most modest salary

• Not a worry, as I often save & risk money on even a not so modest salary... It has always been my philosophy, to live on the avails of a minimum salary; and nearly 75% of my salary goes into debt relief, savings or investments... the other 25% I hustle it out ;-) #8, should be partly: Hustle, hustle, hustle (if you know me well) ;P Hustle, legitimately, though!! At least now that I’ve grown up... that street knowledge from Scarborough, has constantly taught me how to hold my own growing up..

10. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated

• True... but don’t expect them to treat you the same way... and when it fails, please refer to #5

11. Commit yourself to constant improvement

• Each & Every Day... now if I could only get #5 under wraps, I would be good...

12. Commit yourself to quality.

• I’ve had quantity, and the search for quality is always the key goal on the agenda. Food, Alcohol, and Women... probably the 3 strongest addictions in my life... (in my *past* life that is, as they all seem under control these days – and hopefully for the better...)

13. Understand that happiness is not based on possessions, power or prestige, but on the relationships with people you love and respect.

• Can’t say that I have honestly understood this... possessions – check. Power or prestige, I can’t honestly say these are not feats I pursue. Understanding relationships with people I love and respect?! ... as mentioned above, likely one of my greatest failures.

14. Be loyal

15. Be honest

16. Be a self-starter

• Yes, to each! Loyal, Honest – and I only have myself to start anything...

17. Be decisive even if it means you’ll sometimes be wrong.

• I stick by my guns... so I’m good ;P

18. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life.

• This wouldn’t be so bad... if again, I could get over #5

19. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life you’ll regret the things you didn’t do more than the ones you did.

• Balls to the Walls, as my friend Rob would say... or was it “Balls Deep?” lol. But Balls to the Walls!! No regrets there...

20. Take good care of those you love.

• Since family, and close friends are the closest to what I love; I hope I have taken good care of this... but I guess only time would tell.

21. Don’t do anything that wouldn’t make your Mom proud.

• Oops... may have kind of missed the memo on this one... Let’s just hope “Mom” doesn’t find out all the mistakes I’ve made ;P