Not Your Average Spring Chicken Anymore..

hmmm - it's funny, the clock ticks down... 31 mins till midnight... 31 years I've been in the living...

It's funny.. approaching my 31st birthday, I feel a sense of accomplishment, a sense of disappointment, or even a sense of failure...

I feel like I'm still young - but at the same time know that I'm old...  I feel I have achieved my career goals in terms of accomplishments - but at the same time far from my financial goals...  I feel like I'm still lucky to have my freedom - but at the same time, would have thought I would have 'settled down' by now..

Amongst my peers - I party the hardest, I outlast the college kids... yet people in my profession look to me as a manager, as a person of resource...  I live generally a responsibility free lifestyle - yet, I spend half my occasional weekends focusing on my priorities for further professional & financial development.. 

Over the last two years, I have definitely made huge strides in my career, in my experience, multiple promotions, and the increased knowledge far beyond what I had thought was capable of myself...  yet, I am not fairly compensated for my work, for my effort, for my time...

My salary is at least 20% lower than my norm, the norm of my qualifications, of my contributions... my financial health still about 50K away from freedom of debt..

Yet significant accomplishments - last year I would have considered myself 10% underpaid, and +100K in debt - so the moves I've made, the strategies I've played have paid off...  still my rate of growth is lower than projected... lower than expected as a child...

It's funny, turning 31 - life seems more like a joke... you learn to laugh at the things you cannot control, you seem to laugh at the things you do not enjoy...  It's not because you are necessarily happy about them - but more so, you've begun to understand there is nothing that you can do to change those things...  decisions of the past have been made, experiences felts & the sum of the whole game has brought you here - to where you stand..

30 might have been the new 20...  but 31 definitely doesn't feel like the new 21..

I do feel aged... I do look at some of my peers, with wives & husbands, with children & houses they call home...  I am no where near wives (yes, I used the plural sense - lol), or children... no where near a house to call 'my home'. 

A few years back, I would have thought at 31 - I would have at least been in a serious relationship - not married yet...  but in a relationship, with plans to hitch the knot at 32, having spent a good 2 years getting to know my 'soul mate' - lol...

Now I look back & don't think I'm even ready for a relationship, for marriage, for children..  Of the three, children would most likely be the most probable for me - because I don't see how I could get married or be in a relationship after all the horrible relationships I've been through in the past...

Looking back, I hate them all... the women I've chosen to be with in my life, have done nothing but make me doubt women, relationships, and trust...  i've been lied to, cheated on, betrayed, discarded as a fool...  what makes me want to jump back on that horse?!

The sexual gratification?  I can get that if need be - no problem.  The mental or emotional gratification - well, yeah... I'm stuck there....  but I've come all this way on my own - what makes me thing the rest of the 90 yards I expect to travel will enlighten me with anything more?!

I really don't know what I want in life right now...  I feel like a 'worker drone', stuck in a cycle of 'adulthood'...  I feel like I am in a set path, and to deviated from said path would just throw me back to square one again..

I feel like I have no choice but to garner forward - but similarly, no hope for major ambitions to change my life so sporadically..  I'm not complaining about my life - because believe me, compared to the average - I'm 5-10 steps ahead...  my point is just, that at this point in my life - I am just not excited about all the things I have achieved, or more importantly, all the things to come in the future...

Perhaps, I am just worn out... worn down... perhaps a vacation, or change of pace, of scenery is all that's needed for change... but perhaps, that change is also what fears me from changing the path..

My Dirty 30, was epic...  My 30 + 1 - doesn't seem to compare in terms of excitement...  31 seems to be over the hump, and up the creek... the question is whether I have a paddle, or if I even want to use one....

Worst Feeling in the World...

There is No Worse feeling in the world, than being Taken Advantage of...  There is nothing you can do to take it all back... When someone takes advantage of you, it's written in stone - it's all in your past.  You can sit there, feel hurt, feel bruised - jilted like a distant lover...  But at the end of the day, nothing you can do to forgive & forget the wrongs that have been made... Nothing in your power to fix the past..  

All you have is the present... and the future.  All you can do is move on...  taking steps for tomorrow, cutting ties with the past, standing up strong & saying to yourself "well, I'm not gonna take that shit anymore..."

Life is about experience - and we've all had different experiences.  Our experiences have changed us, our experiences mold us - we base our current & future life decisions on our past experiences..

Without those poor choices and negative experiences, we don't have a chance to move on..  And without that chance to move on, we don't have that chance to evolve.. 

A prelude into the future...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WM1RChZk1EU

Unconditional Love..

http://www.jamaicansmusic.com/videos/watch/413

Out with drinks with my homeboy / co-worker from Dublin...  guess the question that resonates in my heart / mind is the same question everyone or people in general seem to have for me:  what's your relationship status?! 

It's odd to them, I guess...  I'm not a bad looking dude... I've got game, intelligence & even a stellar job!!

... I made 'Senoir Manager' well before someone my age or experience - though, my effort has more than well compensated for the sacrifices I have made...

Non-Verbalization Day...

It's Christmas already?!  ... wow, where did the time fly??  It seemed like only yesterday I was in london, travelling the world - from Dublin, to Paris and Amsterdam.

In the past year - the past year, has been a world wind for me - 60+ hour weeks; juggling nearly '2 jobs' but being only paid for one...  securing my financial stability for the long run, luckily banking on the economic downturn of the past year...  a promotion, 2 new employees reporting directly to me.. a few adjustments to my salary - but non-justified enough for my self worth..

20K secured in a tight edged deal - not to mention the nearly 40K reduction on my very first investment...

This past year has been a tremendous financial & professional success for me...  this year marked my 30th birthday, my 'champagne' event...  it marked a time where established friends were rarely seen, but reunions felt like nothing changed... it marked the year where one of my dearest friends moved back, had battles of their own - but I'm so happy that I get to spend time with her again :-)

With 22 days of vacation still banked up - my travels this year have been limited to work & home...  but that leaves a chance for next year, to take a break, to slow it down a bit..  to visit all the places I have imagined... Iceland, Germany, Spain, India, Thailand, and much more...

Next year, I am also going to be focusing on my professional development & personal health...  that means cracking open the text books, picking up the weights...

But today, I just vegge out & reflect...

Life's Turns...

Guess, I haven't 'blogged' in a while... life's been busy...  work has consumed me - for the last 6-8 months, I busted my ass... a small pay raise, a promotion, respect amongst my peers - but most of all, a lot of great experience..

I came into this job - this career & I feel I have 'conquered'...

But then that makes me question...  I've come so far, have had so many successes in my life...  but what's the meaning of it all?! 

Relationships have become back burner for me...  haven't 'seen' anyone seriously in over 4 years...  30 years of my life & I did it all on my own...  Yet, a part of me is still stuck like a successful bachelor turned play/party boy..

I don't know what to do with my own free time... my positive cash flow...  I've given to charity, I volunteered to my community, I've chased my career...  and in the end - what's left?! 

What else do I want in my life?!??  ...  My finances are secured now - but 'financial freedom' is still 4-5 years away...

Till then what?!  don't have the time to just pick up & leave...  don't have the passion to follow a specific cause.. I've lost my inspiration.. not because I can't dream - but because I've achieved... 

I stand here & think... 'now what?!' ...

Week 2: U Weight Loss

God Damn!!  Following this diet is sooooo difficult!!  Okay, well not really...  It's kind of simple, I am just being MAD LAZY!!  The program seems right on point, providing the right amount of calories, in the right proportion of fat, carbs & protien...  The problem is:  I'm lazy to cook & go grocery shopping.

The sins of being an only child / momma's boy :(  But I've got to do it!! 

I've been hitting the gym about ~2 times a week.  Nothing major though, because I strained my rotator cuff tendions earlier this year..  I was trying to push too much weight, and now they are strained from slight tendionitis.  But the good thing is, it's forcing me to work out my arms, and legs.  (usually I focus on my chest & back) - my chest was MASSIVE at one point - I was lifting 70 lbs dumbbells (yeah - do the math!!  That's 140 lbs total!!).  Now I'm back down to 30 lbs dumbbells :(  lol, frig, girl's can bench that amount!! 

... but I figure, ease my shoulders back in - build my arms, works those legs.  My work outs are often brief (and worse, cause I only go twice a week).  Before, I would work out hard, sweat through my shirt... but I guess something is better than nothing.

Week 1:  I lost about a pound.  Nothing major, but the counsellor brough up a good point.  She asked me, when the last time I was under 150 lbs.  ... I said:  damn, I can't even remember!! :S    I know the WORST I ever got was:  168 lbs.  Both before I left for California, and after I finished Grad School.  But the good news is:  1 year after I left for california, I had turned things around & was a lean, mean:  125 lbs!!

I'm hoping to get back there again... not 125; but 130 would be good - esp. if I can retain my chest / back mass.

The hardest part of the program for me is the: cooking part...  But at least I'm eating more fruits & veggies now.  I used to think Veggies were just broccolli & stuff... Now I've been introduced to my new friends Red & Green Peppers, and their cousin:  Asparagus.... oh, I looooveeeeee Asparagus!! :-)

I just ordered Swiss Chalet again tonight... but still "on program" as one of their take-out meals are a Quarter Chicken & a Garden Salad... damn, it!!  I just ordered a Ceaser Salad :S  Okay, regardless - close to the program.  I'm gonna finish a few other errands now - and leave tomorrow night for grocery shopping!!

U Weight Loss: Letter to Future Self

Dear GC,

You dumb, fat, f*ck...  If it's come down to this, it means you've been slipping on your goal to lose that 15-20 lbs of fat you've been carrying around for most of your life!!  You've just hit 30 - you had the same goal when you were 16... abs, a six-pack - but as you grew up, you focused & achieved ALL your other goals, but not this one... 

Rarely 'obsese' - but rarely in peak physical condition.  What is it?!  Finally a task that you CAN'T acheive?!  You are strong enough to acheive this?!  Is that what you are telling me?? 

You've had many addictions in the past, food, alcohol, women ...  you've been able to conquer the latter two (or have you?) Have you slipped on the alcohol?  Have you been binge drinking, increasing your chances of cancer, increasing your weight, damaging your liver, and hoping for the chance of yet another kidney stone??  Do you remember how that felt?  The pain in your back, your stomach, vomitting in the hosptial ER bathrooms?? 

Or is it the food?  Can you not control it?  Has it beaten you?  Is there finally something that you cannot overcome?  You are too *Weak* to overcome?  It triumphs over you??

You have achieved so much in your life - yet you let this goal, which you have place for more than half your life - to beat you... to prevent you from success... to fail yourself.  In a blink of an eye, you will be 50.  Where will that excessive weight be then?  No drive or ability to work out, no women to impress... 

You will be nothing but a fat f*ck...  If you have opened this letter, it means you have failed yourself - yet again...

~ From the old you, who had wished you success.
[ As part of the program, they ask you to write a letter to yourself - in the case that you deviate from positive results... the above is my own ] !

U Weight Loss

ummm, so I heard this commercial online for weight loss & lately I haven't been sleeping very well - but the alarm clock is still set for 7:30 am  (note:  this is actually not correct... every time I set my alarm clock, or the clock in my car, after the time is set accurately - I close my eyes & hold the minute button for a random amount of time!!)  hehe.   This sets my clock ahead a few minutes... but an UNKNOWN few minutes... so I am forced to obey it, cause it might be 10 mins fast, or it might just be 2 mins fast!!  Who know???  :P 

lol - also this strategy only works if you avoid looking at this clock directly after looking at the correct time (on your computer, cell phone, etc) & vis versa.. hehe, I know - whacko!!  But HEY - it works for me!!

Anyways, back to U Weight Loss...  So I google them, check them out - seems like a professional website, so I shoot off an email.  They reply back by 10am - tell me to come in for a free "Healthy Weight Assessment"... hmmm, I smell scam; but no harm, no foul! 

I set up two appointments - one at location A for 5:30, another at location B for 6:45.  I work late & work can be unpredictable at times...  Either way, I miss the 5:30, cause I leave work then - but decide to hit up the gym!!  [ Oh, this was motivated by the fact I read online reviews talking about how these systems are scams & they don't refund your money & blah, blah ] - so I'm skeptical...  Hence Gym - cause, nothing comes for free!! 

Either way, gym workout was light - cause I recently incurred rotator cuff tendinitous :(  But then by the time I finished, it was 6:25 - so I figure no harm right?

The receptionist was cute!!  Tall, Blonde, Thin!!  Nerdy.... just the way I like them ;-)  She does an interview, then outlines the program... it's a total speel!! But very casual - no pressure!!  Was kind of surprised... then she started talking about pricing & the 'mandatory supplements'.  I put a hault to that!!  I'm not down with that artificial shit!!  And from what I can tell - that stuff is where they make their key profit margins; and it's also the stuff with the most potential of health side effects..

I'm a smart dude, so I'm like eff that shit!!  She's like:  'without the supplements, their is not money back guarantee'.  I said oh well...  My time is worth more than the money, so it's either I lose weight - or I don't!!  There are not true guarantees in life!!  And anyone who believes otherwise is a sucker!!

So I told her I'd sign up for the program, minus the supplements.  She tried to convince me otherwise, but wasn't pushy.  Then came the 'contract signing'.  At first she tried to spread the payments across 12 months.  Made sense, because as a finance major:  'it is in your best interest to pay things later (i.e. right before they are due), than to pay in advance'.  Time Value of Money baby ;-) 

But I read the fine print... fine print is:  U Weight Loss is owned by a Finance (parent) company.  They pay the bills, but you are in a contract with the parent for monthly payments.  (ahhhh, I see - just did the math 21% interest on monthly financing charges... hmmm).  Anyways, I'm like scratch that!!  I'll pay up front.

(I'd rather pay up front, than finance through a sketchy parent company with strings attached).

Either way, I figure for about $800 for 4+ months can't hurt.  I spent $150 on alcohol last weekend :|  So might as well drop some cash on a counsellor to manage my weight / track my progress - give me some damn ACCOUNTABILITY!! 

That being said, wouldn't be so bad to see that cute receptionist 'Megan' once a week ;-)  lol

Stay tuned... GajCo goes on a diet!!

A "White Man's World"..

It's a harsh statement / title... but after this week, I can't help but out pour it...

Thursday

I walk into the legal court room.  There stands a prosecutor, walking in & out, fumbling with her notes, frantically trying to get her shit together... 

I sit there in the corner, suited up:  dress shirt & tie.  Fresh-to-death, with a professional tone..  Preparing my arguments, my notes, my defense for a charge so frivolous it was partially humorous.  She asks for a highlighter, I offer my own - but am ignored, as if my words were not loud enough.  I see - I get it now, you are one side, I am another...

Other defendants walk in... she attacks each one of them.  She tells each of them - they are guilty & there is no point of coming to court unless they want to waste money on a lawyer and pay the excessive maximum penalty.  After this occurs 2 or 3 times, I realize a pattern.  Each of these defendants can barely speak any english, let alone able to defend themselves...  She preys on them...  My anger builds...

She walks the court room, seeking some funny last name - butchered beyond believe.  I raise my voice:  Pronounce my Last Name Correctly.  Stand up, a youthful looking defendant - no fear in my eyes.

She asks to see my current license - states it is good, she is willing to reduce my penalty from $5000 to $2000 per offense if I were to plead guilty... I look her in the eyes & say:  NO.  Thank you for showing me, where the test of your lines are in terms of the penalty...  But I know this case is so frivolous, for me to bow down would be pathetic...

A Black Judge walks in.  Sits down, calls my name:  First & Last, pronounced correctly.  Yet, prosecution butchers my name yet again...

Don't try to bully me bitch!!  I'm not the type to be bullied!  I can stand up for myself & I will not shy away from going on the offensive - so watch out...

Yet, I cannot help but be mystified by her lack of respect for my name... her ability to take advantage of immigrants who could barely speak english, to influence them to plead out...


We live in a world prioritized by the "White Man", with white man biases & immigrant stereotypes..  It angers me, because we are a fool to think that biases do not exist in the world.  But alas.. time & time again, I must remind myself:  "Life is not Fair... Deal with it!"

Good Things Happen to People Who Wait?!

Well, good or bad - we'll see.. 

Just found out (well, I could have guessed from this week's events) that my co-worker has given notice to leave the firm, just after about 1 year...  He started about 2 weeks before me, and although 1 year is enough time to put on your resume - I don't think I would have bailed so early..

I can't say that I plan to be in my position for very long into my future, but I think I've put a marker in the sand for 2012 summer/spring...

Needless to say, my financial woes have subsided - a big financing deal I've been working on the last few months has finally closed & sealed as of this week.  It's great because it free's up some cash flow going forward - though, it reverts my initial game plan of being "debt free" by the end of 2011.  Instead, it looks like that will happen late 2012 if anything.. 

It all depends on my tax deductibles for next year.  Nearly all my education credits dwindled, my salary increased; so unless the numbers change - it looks like next year will see me pay an increase amount of taxes from previous.. (though too early to tell, and I do have a significant RRSP limit / allowance)...

But it's funny, for someone my age - I've done fairly well for myself.  And the key is:  I practically did it by myself!!  Not a single handout (unless of course you include - and you must include - being able to leverage my parent's credit, support, and temporary emergency loan bail outs...) - especially thanks to my father's anti-handout policy... I've had to earn every single cent for myself.  *but I wouldn't have it any other way*.

I've put a lot of pressure on myself in the past... to succeed has been my primary goal.  And looking back, I feel I have achieved.  Question is:  who have I achieved for?!  Or more so, who is there to share my achievements?!

I think my parents are finally proud of my achievements - but it took me nearly 29 years to achieve that!!

I was talking to my 'little sis' last night, and she pointed out - how precisely a year ago, I was going through one of the roughest times / periods of my life.  It rivaled if not exceeded my internal turmoil of 2007/2008.  2009/2010 was definitely a humbling low...  but I held on - held strong.  Never gave up / Never quit. 

Walked away from people - yes.  Walked away from Toronto.  The ethnic 'Community'.  Friends, or some I used to call friends - now acquaintances.  Even lost ties with a few close friends of 2007 through 2009.

In the end, I was / am - just left with me.  Happy with my achievements, but curious what the point of further achievements would be?!  ...

Good things happen to people who wait it out... so the question is, we'll see what happens as I wait it out ;-)

Now back to bed!!